[ It takes her another few moments of silent thinking to sum up her thoughts, and when she does talk, her voice comes out very, very small. ]
I know...the bond you have with Akira is different from the one you have with me, and there's nothing that could ever change that, but if--if you're feeling as broken about this as I think you are...please rely on me?
[ biting her lip and hesitating for a moment. It was still only hours after Akira's death, but...this was a lot different from how Moriarty acted after Goro died, and that's what's making Azura worry, mainly. ]
I don't...I don't know what to do for you. I don't know how to help. But I don't want to see you hurting this badly.
...In truth, no one had ever said those words to him. No one had ever noticed - not even Sherlock - that this state he was in was when he felt his most hopeless and helpless, his back against the wall with only one single avenue left to him.
So how...how could she see past this, this state that seemed more like his normal state, if one looked at the books?]
....Why do you believe....that I'm hurting?
[His voice -
finally, a little warmth seeps back in, though it's hesitant and questioning - sounding almost like his voice is cracking as he asks that.]
[ Said like that's the strangest question she's ever been asked, because the 'why' is as plain as day. ]
Because someone you loved and cared for just died in a very terrible way. Anyone would be hurting if that happened to them.
[ She didn't know Akira very well and she's upset that he had to go out like that. ]
And you're acting strangely. [ ..... ] Like you...don't know who I am. This is--I'm worried, Father. I know people process grief in different ways, but this is--
[ She can't even finish the sentence. She doesn't know how to describe how off this all is. ]
[He finishes that for her, squeezing his eyes shut - in an almost pained expression.]
I am - James Moriarty. The man with a reptilian manner, someone who can order a death without flinching, or face a man by an unguarded path by a waterfall without once ever fearing for his own death.
[He pauses, his fists clenching on the table again, the leather of his gloves creaking.]
I am not meant to hurt - in all ways, I am but a spectre of death, a rival to bring down a great detective...and in the end, I could not even do that!
[Finally, finally, there's inflection to his voice - but also a raw, ragged pain.]
The Napoleon of Crime does not grieve, even when those close to him have fallen, when the last pillars of his life have been forcibly taken from him and hung from the gallows -
[Every single one of his gang members, taken by scotland yard and hung like the criminals they were, with only he and Moran spared, another part of his life forever taken from him, just like everything else -]
- no, he feels nothing at all! And I - I am....I am...that man. It is all I can be, because to be anything else would reduce what little value I have left.
[ Azura stares at him in....horror? Grief? But then there's something that pops up in her head again, something she's been thinking about all the time she's been here.
"I choose my own fate." ]
It isn't who you're "supposed" to be. You can be anything you'd like to be.
[ She furrows her brows together and takes a deep breath, willing herself to not start crying again. ]
Maybe you were this person at some point in your life, before I met you. But that isn't who you are today. Unless you're telling me that all the time we've spent together, that accepting me as your daughter was all a cruel joke, then "who you are" is someone with a jovial heart and a quick wit and a knack for scheming, not--this.
I know what you're feeling. It's when...everything gets so bad, you start to think "it would be better if I felt nothing at all!" I would be lying if I said I didn't feel similarly, that I have not felt similarly for years and years and years. I used to feel like it would be better if I didn't exist at all, because that would be better than feeling the pain all day, every day.
[ your daughter has serious depression, isn't that fun ]
And what do you mean by "value"? You--you have value, I value you and so does Silver and so does Ingway, and I'm betting the people you knew before coming here value you just as much.
I know you're not human, but you're still a person, even if you don't want to think of yourself that way. And any person has feelings, including bad ones they wish they didn't have to deal with. If this is all because you don't want to feel grief...I'm begging you, please stop.
Because, what does he Say to that? To every word that pierces him so thoroughly, that -
He's been seen, and not by a Detective, or a student or pupil. By a girl who he's accepted as his own, who sees the screams he's had echoing inside of himself, bottling them up while desperately wanting them to be seen.
And now, at the edge of his limits, the end of his rope -
He has no more strength to push her away, or even care about his composure - and no desire to do anything but the one thing he's been wanting to do from the moment the ones he cared for began to die.
The icy form - the napoleon of crime, the calculating criminal - Shatters, and Moriarty's face twists into a grimace of pain and grief as he lowers his head and begins to sob, tears flowing down his cheeks.]
I...couldn't -
['I couldn't stop any of it.']
Ah...Why must I....always lose anything I care for....?
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[He's not looking at her - but he does seem to be listening, at least.]
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I know...the bond you have with Akira is different from the one you have with me, and there's nothing that could ever change that, but if--if you're feeling as broken about this as I think you are...please rely on me?
[ biting her lip and hesitating for a moment. It was still only hours after Akira's death, but...this was a lot different from how Moriarty acted after Goro died, and that's what's making Azura worry, mainly. ]
I don't...I don't know what to do for you. I don't know how to help. But I don't want to see you hurting this badly.
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'I don't want to see you hurting this badly.'
...In truth, no one had ever said those words to him. No one had ever noticed - not even Sherlock - that this state he was in was when he felt his most hopeless and helpless, his back against the wall with only one single avenue left to him.
So how...how could she see past this, this state that seemed more like his normal state, if one looked at the books?]
....Why do you believe....that I'm hurting?
[His voice -
finally, a little warmth seeps back in, though it's hesitant and questioning - sounding almost like his voice is cracking as he asks that.]
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[ Said like that's the strangest question she's ever been asked, because the 'why' is as plain as day. ]
Because someone you loved and cared for just died in a very terrible way. Anyone would be hurting if that happened to them.
[ She didn't know Akira very well and she's upset that he had to go out like that. ]
And you're acting strangely. [ ..... ] Like you...don't know who I am. This is--I'm worried, Father. I know people process grief in different ways, but this is--
[ She can't even finish the sentence. She doesn't know how to describe how off this all is. ]
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[He finishes that for her, squeezing his eyes shut - in an almost pained expression.]
I am - James Moriarty. The man with a reptilian manner, someone who can order a death without flinching, or face a man by an unguarded path by a waterfall without once ever fearing for his own death.
[He pauses, his fists clenching on the table again, the leather of his gloves creaking.]
I am not meant to hurt - in all ways, I am but a spectre of death, a rival to bring down a great detective...and in the end, I could not even do that!
[Finally, finally, there's inflection to his voice - but also a raw, ragged pain.]
The Napoleon of Crime does not grieve, even when those close to him have fallen, when the last pillars of his life have been forcibly taken from him and hung from the gallows -
[Every single one of his gang members, taken by scotland yard and hung like the criminals they were, with only he and Moran spared, another part of his life forever taken from him, just like everything else -]
- no, he feels nothing at all! And I - I am....I am...that man. It is all I can be, because to be anything else would reduce what little value I have left.
cw talk of suicide
"I choose my own fate." ]
It isn't who you're "supposed" to be. You can be anything you'd like to be.
[ She furrows her brows together and takes a deep breath, willing herself to not start crying again. ]
Maybe you were this person at some point in your life, before I met you. But that isn't who you are today. Unless you're telling me that all the time we've spent together, that accepting me as your daughter was all a cruel joke, then "who you are" is someone with a jovial heart and a quick wit and a knack for scheming, not--this.
I know what you're feeling. It's when...everything gets so bad, you start to think "it would be better if I felt nothing at all!" I would be lying if I said I didn't feel similarly, that I have not felt similarly for years and years and years. I used to feel like it would be better if I didn't exist at all, because that would be better than feeling the pain all day, every day.
[ your daughter has serious depression, isn't that fun ]
And what do you mean by "value"? You--you have value, I value you and so does Silver and so does Ingway, and I'm betting the people you knew before coming here value you just as much.
I know you're not human, but you're still a person, even if you don't want to think of yourself that way. And any person has feelings, including bad ones they wish they didn't have to deal with. If this is all because you don't want to feel grief...I'm begging you, please stop.
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Because, what does he Say to that? To every word that pierces him so thoroughly, that -
He's been seen, and not by a Detective, or a student or pupil. By a girl who he's accepted as his own, who sees the screams he's had echoing inside of himself, bottling them up while desperately wanting them to be seen.
And now, at the edge of his limits, the end of his rope -
He has no more strength to push her away, or even care about his composure - and no desire to do anything but the one thing he's been wanting to do from the moment the ones he cared for began to die.
The icy form - the napoleon of crime, the calculating criminal - Shatters, and Moriarty's face twists into a grimace of pain and grief as he lowers his head and begins to sob, tears flowing down his cheeks.]
I...couldn't -
['I couldn't stop any of it.']
Ah...Why must I....always lose anything I care for....?
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Azura stands and wraps her arms around him, settling her chin on his head. ]
It feels that way, does it not? [ Her dad. Her mom. Her surrogate mom. Her kingdom, that she was supposed to grow and lead and make prosper. ]
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[That's the last he manages to get out before he just surrenders himself totally to his grief, crying like he'll never stop.
Crying for all he's been through in this game - for all everyone he ever cared about has been through, what they've all suffered from.
Crying for things he couldn't change, couldn't stop - even when he was alive.
He weeps and sobs, until finally, they die down, and all that can be heard is his ragged breathing.]